Sometimes I asked myself, "What does it take to live a life worth living?"

Until now, I still stand by my solution to that question. Sometimes, we all have to take hard truths in the face. All the time, in fact. The hard truth now, is that the reality of this world is not based on how well or how much is your help or effort to others, it's how well you can cope with life itself.

My view of my own life now is that it's a hectic mess. My life's pretty messed up in many ways which I knew of. Firstly, I never had much of a spiritual life to begin with, and that leaves me without a supreme power to depend on. That pretty much means I'm an Atheist, and it's quite a thing for me to say that spiritual faith is of little use in the current world which is so jam packed with events and a schedule written, dictating the rest of your week and how you are going to spend the time "wisely".

Secondly, my academic life is wasted. I spent time doing the things I like to do, council work, play, and all others, and rather not study annd mug hard for what really matters. Sometimes, it really brings me back to the point, that is council really for me? Is it so beneficial to my life that I neglect my studies, even though teachers warned that we shouldn't, but nonetheless, I did? Is it worth the trouble to serve and earn a good record of contributions?

Is it worth my results now??

Currently, my mind is like split into half, and that occurs to a lot of aspects of myself. Half my mind, the domineering side, is going strong, saying that all is ok and nothing is going astray. But another strong portion of my mind, thinks that it's going all wrong, and that joining council is the biggest mistake I've ever made. That my priority is all wrong right from the start, that I can't go on unless I do something else to get the splinter out of my mind, it's like a voice inside my head telling me to quit when I know I shouldn't.

I couldn't.

The other split mind is also my emotional side. One is asking me to get free from my relationship, saying that it'll do severe damage to my studies, that it'll drive me over the edge of a cliff if I continue. Yet the other half is telling me, that it's alright to hang on, that letting go is not the right choice. Another voice in my mind tells me that I've gone through this phase before, and anger fills me when I can't seem to overcome it. Certain feelings rose back up, and now, with a clearer thought, it's much harder to suppress and feel the same as in the past, where I could make the right decision there and then. It just seemed so much more complicated than it should be.

Sometimes all it takes is to just draw yourself out from the situation, and examine it in detail, to get a clearer point of view of what you are suppose to do, suppose to act, suppose to think, and suppose to feel.

Sometimes, it just feels that I'm having to go back to my past, to reflect on the present, and change the future. To put it in a simpler sense, it's like looking in a mirror saying that what you're doing now should not be what you are doing now, but rather, what you should be doing now is much more important than looking into a mirror and asking yourseld what you're doing now which you shouldn't be doing.

It's pretty a vicious cycle, and practically, I have to face it alone rather than with help from other people.It's more than a personal issue I'm having to face here, it's hard to describe how important this phase of thought is. Another problem would be the bad timing of this phase of my life, when I'm having so much to handle, or maybe it's when you have alot to handle that such things occur, making you face it with it's full fury.

Having 5 things going on concurrently now is quite a taxing job, and what makes it worse is that with the number of projects, my scope increases to more than just plain involvement in each project concurrently, it stretches to how well you can maintain the spirit of excellence in yourself to continue serving, it goes towards how you can give that little more effort into each, and also overall, how one can think of a way to make others' time more convenient and less disruptive. With this, it really seem that time for yourself is exponentially decreased, I guess it's just normal, but I still need some getting used to.

Well, this is really one rare post that you see me blog my worries and all, if anyone feel the same, let's just say that you're not alone in this battle.